Did you all give up on me?!?!

Yes, I know its been one heck of a long time since I wrote about the Pope Family. In fact its been over a year. The last time I wrote an actual post was July 2009 so over a year and in fact almost a year and a half. Crazy how time flies and runs away with us. So I guess I should first start by catching those of you who don't see me on a regular basis up to speed about what has happened since those last posts in 2009.

I guess you could sum the reason for the lack of posting up in one word.... arthritis.

In the fall of 2008 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Basically a form of arthritis that is caused by your body attacking itself for no known reason. Add this to the kidney disease I acquired during my pregnancy with Everly back in 2007 (also an auto-immune disorder) and you have kind of a crappy combo. More about why so crappy later on.

Why now? Because I am female (we are 3 times more likely to get these auto-immune disorder problems than men) and got pregnant and the hormone changes of pregnancy can trigger auto-immune disorders to manifest in people who are predisposed to get them .... yay..... *lucky* me. But after pregnancy they didn't go away - they are staying - most likely for life.

What this means? My whole life has changed and will never ever ever ever ever be the same.

What exactly has changed? EVERYTHING.

• goals
• dreams
• ability to have children
• how many children I can take care of
• how often I am sick
• how much I work
• how I work
• how my friendships are with people
• my hobbies
• my relationship with my spouse
• my relationship is with my daughter
• my financial situation
• the clothes and shoes I wear
• the movies and music I listen to (believe it or not)
• the way I cook, clean, sleep, bathe.... you name it

Everything in my life has changed.... I am not the same person I was before this nor will I be the same person ever again. I am forever changed. In some ways I am grateful. In some ways I am sad. I am almost always depressed and almost always feel like a failure as a productive member of society.

Me now:

• I am always tired. Having RA is like trying to function everyday with the same fatigue you have when you are battling the flu. LITERALLY. The flu and RA both release the same protein compounds into your blood that leave you feeling tired, crappy, and drained all day long. Now try imagine living your life like that every day. Imagine going shopping, cleaning, working and raising a family feeling like that.
• I take a slew of medications including two anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicines and also medicine that wipes out my immune system in an attempt to help me function. Basically when you can't move or function like you used to it gets pretty darn depressing as you can imagine.
• I no longer go to concerts, out in the public or hang out with people unless I have to or unless there is a very good reason. Why? Because when you are tired and feel like crap all the time it becomes hard to talk to people or keep engaged with them in person, through email or talking on the phone. Basically this has made me kind of hermit. People try to pull me out of the house or to do things but they don't understand that literally doing some of these activities will cripple me for days or exhaust me to the point I have to sleep for several hours. Most people have no concept of how this disease can affect relationships with everyone so if you don't hear from me anymore or not in the last few years - this is why. I rarely even talk to family because it's plain and simply exhausting. 
• I have also become really susceptible to nausea and anything makes me sick. The sun makes me sick. Heat makes me sick. Sitting anywhere but in the front seat of a car makes me sick. Cleaning too much or moving too much makes me nauseated. I get sick after almost every meal. Try to be "social" with people with some of these issues.
• My house is and will probably always be a mess unless someday I can afford a housekeeper. Honestly a clean house is the least of my worries but I know a lot of people have become concerned with my messy house but accepting "help" isn't all that easy either because I still have to show people where things go or how to do things and that's exhausting and stressful. Yet again another reason why I seldom see people. And when I say "mess", I am not being humble - literally it's like a bomb went off.
• I feel regularly like a failure as a mother. I am not "normal" and every way that I take care of Everly and raise her is atypical. I know my methods are far from perfect and often others hurt my feelings when  they voice how Everly "could" or "should" be raised or point out my many imperfections as a mom. Please know or realize I am doing the best I can with her and I love her to pieces. She is one bright spot in my life. I know there are so many things more I could do for her and I could be a better mom to her but I have many limitations and am still learning how to live around them. Rest assured there is very little she goes without as far as being taken care of.
• I feel like a failure as contributing member of society. I used to work full-time and sometimes even more than that. At one time in my life I worked 6 days a week working 12 hours each day. Now I am lucky if I can work any hours. If its not fatigue then I could have one of my many raging infections or be sore to the point I can't bend my fingers, wrists or open my mouth. I come from a family of hard workers and not being able to contribute either working or volunteering or even basic upkeep is extremely depressing and saddening to me. I know my parents understand but still it's sad and often leaves me feeling like a mooch and a loser. Often I find myself feeling like one of "those" people who just take and take instead of contribute which lowers any self esteem you had left. I feel horrible that I can't adequately take care of even the house end when my husband works full-time. It's like I am not holding my end of the bargain up so that's more guilt.
• The same year that Everly was born we were budgeting and doing things right and were on plan to be debt free the end of 2007 even with all school debts. Because of my health that never happened and has only gotten worse. Even though I have worked for Alaska 10 years - I basically bring home $0 or negative paychecks. (That means I didn't make enough to cover premiums etc. so they deduct the remainder out of my next check.) This of course doesn't cover all my medical bills by any means and has left us in a state of destitution. We basically have been teetering on bankruptcy for the last year. Mainly because of my health and my lack of ability to steadily work but also because Dave couldn't find a job in this economy even with a college degree he got back in 2009. It took him over 4 months to find even a part-time minimum wage job that would hire him. That has only made things worse for us... because of our finances Dave was actually denied two different jobs. Don't ask me how they (employers) think that is going to improve our situation if they deny him employment but I digress. I think it should be illegal to deny employment to someone based on their credit score or recent credit history because especially in these times - its so volatile and sometimes out of our control. We want to do the right thing and pay all of our bills but we can't right now so we have to deal with merciless creditors which is a crappy way to live. In the end, we may have to declare bankruptcy but doing that makes me feel dishonest and also puts any happy dreams of home ownership several years away. I will tell you this - NOT declaring bankruptcy has been a lot harder than I think declaring it would have been in so many ways. Nothing like telling a complete stranger your very personal reasons for getting behind in bills only to have them not care and continue to harass you for something you would love to give them but can't.

I will say that there have been some "good" things that have come from become diseased before the age of 30. These seem to be few but they have become really important - strangely:

• I am no longer afraid of financial destitution. It's not desirable and its not pretty but being poor, bankrupt or having a horrible credit score will not kill me and does not reflect necessarily the person I truly am. At one point in my life I couldn't have thought anything else would be worse
• I have become more grateful for kindness and genuine generosity and selfless acts of people and have found that I want to be around these types of people more often than others. Also it has made me reevaluate the importance of being a charitable human being. It has made me contemplate that if we are truly the hands of god - that we could be such amazing people and do so much more than most of us currently do if we only but redirected our hearts and use our talents and realize ANYTHING makes a difference even if it seems so small and insignificant at the time.
• I have been able to see many people in a different light and it has allowed me to see them in beautiful ways I would have been too rushed at one point to see.
• I have been able to look at the world in many different ways that would have been hard to do before I became like I am now.
• I have truly gotten to enjoy raising and watching a new human learn to be human and I would gladly trade most things to sitting in a chair with a toddler, a soft blanket and watching any cartoon.
• I am no longer emotionally tied to things that used to upset and stress me out - money, work, keeping up with obligations, getting in "trouble" at work. Not that some of these things aren't important, but you have to take them in context with what else is going on or affecting your life at the time.
• I have learned to be patient and spread things out and to rest when I need to rest.
• I have been able to realize that in life you must distance yourself from some people. Not to be mean but sometimes for your health and sanity. It doesn't mean you don't love them but it means you realize in order to stay sane and functional you have to limit your contact or relationship with certain destructive and/or stressful people for they will literally take years off your own life if you don't. This can be hard for both people in the relationship but it has to be done.
• I have learned that in tough situations, your spouse will most likely be your best source of advice and comfort even more so than your best friends or close family. When you have many problems and things going on in life it always seems there are those who want to give you "advice" of how to do things or how such and such worked for them but unless that person has lived through the EXACT same situations - the advice generally will not be of comfort to you. If you both go through the situations together and be there for each other, it will make your relationship stronger even if at first you feel mainly stress. Turning against the one person who has been through everything you have, is a mistake.

So this basically my life now... Dave did finally find a job in Winlock, WA (my hometown) at the end of July and we made the decision to move back to WA and play it by ear. We moved 98% of our stuff the weekend of Nov 12-14th and I am currently unpacking - slowly. He works as a laborer in a factory that manufactures glass but we are so grateful he has a steady job and can work full-time. We are able to live basically rent-free at one of my parents rentals they had vacant. It's a single-wide trailer that they have put a lot of updates into and a fenced yard for our dogs and Everly. Its less than 640 sq feet (200 + sq feet less than our condo) but you can't beat free rent and I am SO grateful they offered this option to us.

As for the question I am getting asked a lot - "am I quitting Alaska?"..... the answer to that is - "I am not sure what I am doing yet."

I took the 90 day LILOF (voluntary leave that ends the first week of Jan 2011) so I do not have to make any decisions yet but it's complicated to stay with Alaska. First off, at the time I took the LILOF there were no transfers being accepted in the Seattle office and the Portland airport had been furloughed for the last 2 or so years. If I was awarded a spot in the Seattle office, I would not be able to commute from where I currently live because its too long of a daily drive which means I would have to move up there which I REALLY don't want to do because I don't like being in the "city" - the traffic alone is stressful but the costs of living and the quality of life for me would not be the same. I've lived up there before I moved to Boise, when I was single and healthy and I really didn't care for it then (mainly housing costs and commuting issues). If I was awarded the Seattle location, I would then have to put in a new "bid" for a home agent position because the one I have in Boise doesn't transfer and I can only get on the home agent list in Seattle after I am awarded a Seattle bid. *IF* I was awarded a Seattle spot *and* a home agent position, I would still have to move because Winlock is about 15 miles or so outside the 75 mile radius Alaska imposes on home agents. Which means we would have to rent a house or at least a room which costs more money than just staying where we are at. So it comes down to this - would it really be worth it to stay with Alaska if I basically am just paying for rent and not getting really anything more out of the deal? I don't know.... it's hard to contemplate leaving a place you have been with for the last 10 years but I think I am coming to a crossroads. I have tried to move out of the department I am in, but have been blocked from positions because of my attendance and I find reservations to be totally mentally unsatisfying. Also lately, with the penny pinching and stat crunching that has gone on with Alaska, I don't know if I want to play that game anymore. It becomes kind of a crappy way of life to constantly be hounded about stats, goals, "the company", your attendance, your "personal profit plan" and the list goes on. I could have been so much more to the company but I feel in several ways they have blocked me from advancing and reaching any decent potential. I could have been an amazing asset to them with my knowledge and skills but one can only take rejection so much for things that are out of my control (such as my attendance because of my health).


I guess what I am saying is that nothing is for sure, no final decisions have been made, and I do not know what the future holds... right now I am enjoying (finally) some job/income stability with my husband working and that takes some of the financial pressure off me. I am contemplating taking time to get myself in better health which is very much needed and to get my medications to the point where they actually work for me and make me stable for longer periods of time. I have put school and finding any other job off until I can get my health under control. I barely made it through the last quarter of college this last spring because of my health going bad really fast and for a long period of time.

I am also enjoying being able to renew relationships with my parents now that we live in the same town as them. I love that Everly is able to be with and know her grandma (we had no family not even cousins in Boise). And I am glad to be able to enjoy my mom for as long as we have her. She is still going through cancer treatment (currently chemo). I realize we never know how much time we have on earth but I want to maximize as much time as I can with her and in a weird way, my health has led us here, back to WA, at this time in our lives for better or worse. I think it's a good thing for us all at the moment even if its not what we really thought we wanted or initially should have been at this time.

I am sure I have forgotten something to say or add but I thought I better put at least SOMETHING out there to give you all at least an update as to why you aren't getting any other updates! You probably wont see anything this length again for a LONG while but at least you will know why.

Please just remember that even though you don't always hear from me.... it does not mean I have forgotten you. I think about so many of you guys so often and one of these days I hope to tell each of you individually the good things I see in you all.

Lots of love.... and snow on your days off when you have no where else to go ;-)

Abby